Welcome Ellie!

As my due date came and went, surprised I was not. Elaina was a day shy of being two weeks over due and I was fully prepared to be pregnant forever with this baby. I joked on my facebook that since Friday the 13th was coming up, we might decide to name our new baby girl Rosemary, Ragen, or something equally as creepy if she decided to make that her birth date. Thursday night, I had an appointment with my midwife. We did a NST and talked about what the next week would look like. She was hinting that thinking about a little induction Monday might be a good idea. That way, we would still have the option of using the birth center. I left feeling confused. I didn't feel overdue and I wasn't ready to think about it. I told Nick that I would just wait until Sunday night and see if I was still pregnant.

Throughout the NST, I was having contractions. They were uncomfortable and I would prefer to not feel that way, but I could talk through them and didn't think they were much worse then the Braxton Hicks I had been experiencing for weeks. I went to bed expecting to still be pregnant in the morning.

I woke up at 4 AM to uncomfortable contractions. I went to the bathroom, paced around our bedroom for a few minutes, and decided to wake up Nick because I didn't feel like being alone. We left our sleeping toddler upstairs and starting timing the contractions. The contraction timer app told me that I was in "active labor" based on the length between and the duration of my contractions. I wanted to wait until transition before heading to the hospital/birth center. 

Those contractions were really becoming uncomfortable now. I started walking around on our deck during the contractions. The cool air was refreshing and distracting. I remember telling Nick that the contractions shouldn't be coming this fast! I was starting to feel overwhelmed. Our dog sat on the couch, watching me walk from the kitchen, through the living room, to the deck, and back. I told her I didn't want to do this anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want a natural birth anymore, it was that I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I didn't want labor. I didn't want birth. I was thinking, "let's just forget about this whole baby thing and pretend it never happened!" I should have known that talking to the dog like that isn't normal.

I should have remembered that feeling from Elaina's birth. Just when you tell yourself that you can't do it anymore, it is over. I didn't remember. Besides, I had just woken up less than an hour ago! I still had hours of hard labor! I told Nick to start a hot bath for me. I needed to relax and I needed to relieve some of the pain. I told him to call my Mom and have her head over to watch Elaina too. 

Before getting in the tub, I felt like I needed to use the bathroom. I told Nick to get out and sat down. The exact moment my bum hit the toilet seat, I felt my water break. The gush was followed by an intense, undeniable pushing feeling. I called Nick back in. I just stared at him, like a deer in headlights, trying so hard not to push. I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. I knew at that moment that we would not be having this baby at the hospital or birth center.

The contraction ended and so did my fear. I realized that I was doing this. There was no other option. The tub filled with hot water sat across from me and I climbed in. Nick was dialing 911. I will never forget what he said, "My wife is in labor. My mother in-law isn't here yet and we can't leave our daughter." I'm imagining the operator rolling her eyes, picturing a worried mother in early labor who can't take the pain. The next contraction started and I felt her head as Nick told them our address.

With the next contraction. I could see her head. I squatted in the tub as she was born. I watch her turn and wiggle her little shoulders out. I pulled her out and laid back in the tub. I was amazed. The pain had stopped when I got in the tub. There was no ring of fire or exhaustion (with Elaina I pushed for 2 hours!). I heard Nick in the background telling the dispatcher that the baby was here, but she already knew. She could hear the cries over the phone! We wiped her nose and mouth and Nick covered us with a towel.

The firefighters and EMTs arrived a few minutes later. I thought about a conversation I had with a few friend a couple weeks earlier, that they were trained in emergency birth. My birth was not an emergency. I was worried about the interventions I had been trying to avoid. They walked in and immediately felt the peace in our home. They were respectful when I declined just about everything and were so professional. We tried to wait to deliver the placenta at home, but Nick had accidentally drained the tub and I was too uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, we had to go to the closest hospital, not the big hospital with the birth center and our midwife. As I was wheeled to labor and delivery, every hospital worker was sneaking a peek at our new baby and offering us congratulations. When we got in the room, the mood changed. Our baby was taken to the warmer to be examined. My husband was ushered to check me in and I was stuck there alone. The nurse was the opposite of the amazing, compassionate nurse I had with Elaina's birth. She barked, "why didn't the EMT put in an IV?" I explained my natural birth plan and why I had refused. She told me the on call OB wanted one in because it had been over an hour since I gave birth and I still had not delivered the placenta. I told her I could feel it. I was pushing it out. I just couldn't get comfortable.

There were so many people in the room and I was so thirsty. I asked again and again for water, but was denied. "You might need surgery", the nurse warned. I tried to explain that if she would just stop trying (and failing) to stick a needle in my arm, I could push this damn thing out on my own. I momentarily forgot everything I had learned. A simple "you no longer have permission to touch my body" could have solved my problem.

Thank goodness for shift changes. I was saved by a shift change with Elaina's labor as well. The new nurse came in bright eyed and ready to go. She got the IV in with one try. The OB came in next, followed by my husband. When I saw him, I lost the little strength I had left and cried while he covered my face. I was overwhelmed, scared, and I just wanted to see my baby. He might have freaked out a little as I pushed our baby out into our bathtub, but at that moment, when I needed him most, he was my rock. We really are the perfect team.

The OB confirmed what I suspected, the placenta was right there and it was not an issue. Despite the water birth, I still ended up needing a repair for a second degree tear. I finally got to hold my baby again.She nursed right away and we learned that she was 7 pounds 14 ounces, nearly a full pound smaller than her big sister! A few hours later I was up walking around. I felt amazing! We called family to let them know she was here and we finally had a name! We welcomed Ellie Lorraine into our world.

When my Mom and sister brought Elaina to meet her new baby sister for the first time, I had Nick meet them in the lobby. I wanted a few minutes alone to see her reaction and enjoy being a family of four for the first time. As suggested by the nurses, we put Ellie in the pram so Elaina wouldn't see us holding her and be upset. She walked in, excited to see me, but then heard a baby cry. She was so excited! She hugged and kissed and watched her for a little while. Then she inspected the hospital room, climbing on every chair and trying to push every button.

We went home the next morning. The days keep ending and Ellie keeps getting bigger. Yesterday she turned two months old. The most unexpected thing is that my life hasn't changed. We still do the same things. We eat breakfast and play outside. We go to playdates, grocery shopping, and story time. Nothing has changed, except everything. I will never be the mother to one ever again. My heart has doubled in size to allow room for this new little person.

The days are long, but the years are short. We have our bad days, where it feels like all I do is feed people and change diapers. More often, I look at my girls and imagine them growing up together, learning from one other and exploring the world. Fighting with each other and for each other. They will be friends some days, enemies other days, but sisters forever.